Do you ever wonder who you really are? I realise that’s quite a profound question, but I think most of us will ponder & reflect on this important consideration many times throughout our lives.
I think adolescence is a particularly challenging time, because as children pass through childhood and into adulthood, that’s exactly what they’re trying to figure out. There’s so many subtle (and not-so-subtle) messages prompting them to make choices that will impact their futures, not just in relation to career choices, but also relationships, hobbies & interests, spiritual beliefs, political values, gender, sexuality and so on. At such an early age there’s a heck of a lot they still need to learn, so it’s an incredibly difficult challenge, to try and find answers to who they are. Yet at any stage of life, people can take stock of their lives and realise they’re still learning more about life, the world, and their place in it.
We are all unique, even identical twins will have differences. We are all a unique blend of character and personality, talents, capabilities, strengths, and weaknesses. If someone is lucky enough to grow up in an environment surrounded with lots of unconditional love and acceptance, then they are highly likely to develop a healthy love of themselves, because the message they’re receiving is: ‘We like you’, ‘we love you’, ‘you are great just as you are’. Yet there are many who don’t get to grow up in that kind of environment, this may be for many reasons such as being bullied at school, receiving excessive criticism from family members or friends, neglect, abuse, difficulties in reaching expectations such as not doing well at school, finding it hard to make friends. These and more can impact on how we see ourselves and the value we place on our lives.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs outlines the needs we have as human beings, and above the essentials of things like food, water, clothing, shelter, and safety, we need belonging and acceptance. His theory states that to get ‘higher’ needs met, such as esteem and self-actualisation, we must feel this sense of belonging and acceptance. I think there’s a lot to be said for this, because it would be very difficult to feel good about ourselves when we don’t think there’s anyone who likes or accepts us. (I’d recommend searching online for Maslow’s theory, as there’s a number of helpful articles outlining his theory in more detail).
If someone receives negative messages about themselves, then they can conclude that they’re not acceptable as they are, and that they need to make adjustments and behave differently in order to fit in. In the world of teenagers, you can easily see this playing out in things like wanting a certain brand of trainer, clothes, video games etc.; or doing certain hobbies that could make them look cool and fashionable. Social media, influencers, and the carefully staged Instagram images send powerful messages about what is & isn’t considered a good way to look or a good life.
Yet in adulthood, people can continue to make all sorts of adjustments to try and be who they think others will find acceptable, or even who they themselves think is acceptable. They may have come to dislike or even hate themselves and therefore search for a new persona that they can be more accepting of. They might choose a certain career because it’s what their parents want them to do. They might be persuaded to drink, smoke or use illegal substances because it’s what others do when they are partying, and not doing so makes them look ‘uncool’ or ‘boring.’ They might spend a fortune and even get into debt purchasing items they can’t afford, because they feel they need to keep up with their neighbours or friends. They might even try to adjust their personalities to be either more reserved or outgoing, depending on what they feel others would find more acceptable. They might tolerate unpleasant behaviours from others in order to continue in a relationship or friendship group.
All these adjustments that take anyone away from their true selves can lead them into difficulties. They can even get so lost in being who they’re not that it’s hard to know what’s real anymore. Yet they can think they’ve no choice because daring to be their true selves might meet with rejection.
Yet the truth is that to gain real, true acceptance we need to be who we are, and be accepted for this. Because otherwise we’re only being accepted for the version we’ve crafted to please others. I can highly recommend the book ‘The Gifts of Imperfection: Letting Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are’ by Brene Brown for more information on this.
If any of this blog is resonating with you right now, then can I please just add that it’s likely that this isn’t your fault. By changing who you are to gain a sense of acceptance, you’ve simply done what you felt was right to get your need for acceptance and belonging met.
It can take time and support to unpick all these adjustments and find the real you that’s hiding underneath. It’ll need plenty of care and compassion to explore your life experiences and identify what’s happened and how that’s impacted you and caused you to change in ways that don’t reflect your unique individual self. It also requires some courage to allow your true self to be brought out into the world and to see how the people around you react to this. It may also mean finding ways to meet new people who will accept you as you are and befriend the real you.
Self-Acceptance is discovering and embracing the whole of you – not just the strengths, but the weaknesses too.
It’s knowing that no-one is perfect, and that’s OK (perfection is a myth because we all have different ideas of what ‘perfect’ is anyway!) It’s about accepting yourself on the good days and the bad days, recognising that we all make mistakes, but that we can learn from them.
Self-Acceptance isn’t an easy journey to take alone, and you might need some support from a trained counsellor to help you through some challenging terrain. It’s an adventure that we’re all on and will continue to be on throughout our lives, but there are times when we need some additional support, so if that’s where you’re at, please get in touch, it would be a privilege to be a companion on that journey with you.